May I have a redo?

Some days I'd like to start life over. Is that possible? Sure, alot of things will change, and who knows where I'd end up. Would I even be here? Don't get me wrong I don't regret anything I've done in this life. There are just some things I'd like to just start over with. Maybe hope that maybe the next life won't be as harsh. What has me feeling these nostagic moments? Could it be the fact that my family is outside playing, and sadly I am inside stuck to a 50' cord to breathe? Or could it be that these steroids that are roaring through my system not only effect that body parts it is suppose to heal, but parts of my body that should be left alone(ie my sanity). It's two days til christmas and I feel like someone mentally flailed me with a year old fruit cake. It doesn't feel like christmas, but sadly these past couple years as I grow older and families move away..nothing feels like christmas. Could it be because I'm "mom" now or maybe I'm more aware of the commercialism of the holidays? I love to see the look on my son's face christmas morning, but I hate wrapping presents. I love spending time with family, but I hate cleaning the house. Why does everything have to be perfect? Why do people expect perfection in everything?

This year has been filled with quite a few ups and downs. Hospital visits, people moving away. Buying houses and big family vacations. Will there be a next christmas? What will this new year bring? Hopefully graduations, and new school year! many new milestones, learning new things.

I know this next year I need to be more of an "all around mom", the lady that likes to clean and cook, has a job, makes snacks, betty crocker with a stethoscope. Nurse betty with a spatula. I need to put more of an effort into my life in order to find out what I want from it. What do I want out of life? What do I want my message to be when I leave? Do I just want to be someone that just exsists, to just fufill my day to day things, not really thinking about the future?..I was spared on this earth for something...I just don't know what it is..

Was the whole point to find love and reproduce? To find meaning the fact that there is someone out there that can love someone like me? To prove to people that I am not just a number on a damn medical chart. I am a person, someone who has feelings, someone that is sick and tired of people telling her she can't do something. Yet, as I get older that only person that is telling me this myself. I try to do the things I could, but my body just refuses. I try to put up a fight, but I fail. As each birthday passes by I wonder how much longer I can hold out. Somedays I feel on top of the world, and other days I feel like the world is on top of me.

There are so many things I would love to accomplish on this earth before I take my leave. I need to come to terms with myself. The one thing I need to know is " Are you ok with being you?" I don't know that answer to that. Some days I am, and others I would love to just rip my skin off, and beg for a "redo" in life.

What are the first steps to change? Where do I start? How do I become ok with being me?