A new endevor!

April 3, 2012

In just a few short days I will begin a new phase of my college career. When I started this adventure in 2009 this was not how I saw it ending. I guess all the academic hurdles that were in my way seemed too large to see the bigger picture..... Becoming an allied health professional. It’s amazing how in just 2+ seemingly, impossible years could prepare me for the next 200 hours of applying everything that I have been taught.

Right now, I really don’t know what or how to feel. Am I really prepared for this endeavor? Will I ever be? No way to find out unless you jump head first, it’s a good thing I know how to swim. I should be feeling nervous, scared, and possibly unsure of myself, and in a small way I am, but I think it’s a healthy dose of fear that makes you more aware of the people around you and more conscious of the mistakes you will make.

I’m pretty sure that there will be mistakes. I just hope there are small and easily mend able. I don’t want to make mistakes, but I don’t think anyone does. Guess I’ll just have to take it one step at a time, and hopefully it will fly by and I’ll have some fun. I mean what is the point of taking the blood, sweat, and tears to get this far and not enjoy it. That would be a completely disappointing and a bit of a failure on my part.

So I hope that these new few weeks will be fun, fulfilling, fearful, and frustrating; frustrating because if it’s not, I didn’t give my all into it. And after I cross the streams I hope to end up on the other side with a certificate, a diploma, a career, and a much deserved mudslide. 

A years end..

As 2011 comes to end and the holiday festivities have fallen behind us, there is a time to reflect. To wonder what we've done this year, what we could have done, and what we would like to do in the coming year. Sitting here listening to the beautiful sound of instruments ringing in my ears, the ebb and flow of strings and percussion gives  a feeling of how this year has gone. In two short minutes, these instruments of string and percussion are able to convey the meaning of this year, that no amount of words ever could.

I've always wanted to find a way to explain all these emotions in my head, but I think the only way they're able to come through is through music. That is one of the reasons I've decided to take up cello again, that and the beauty and emotion one can produce on that one piece of wood is indescribable. Sometimes a voice isn't enough, or too much. Sometimes the listener doesn't need to have the meaning pushed upon them through meaningful, or meaningless lyrics. Sometimes music is best listened to in a pure form of sound and vibration.

This year went by way too fast. As I get older the years go by faster, I guess that's how it's suppose to be in life?  I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one to feel this way. I ran in the new year just a few short months ago in the hospital watching the late, late show and feeling like crap, and hopefully I'll be able to ring in the new year at home this year feeling less like crap. The year had its highs and its lows. I've stuffed a lot more useless knowledge into this head of mine, and hopefully it will get me through the next year and so forth.

One chapter in my life will be ending soon, and another will begin. I hope I like this chapter..I think I'll title it "the life and times of a professional me". That's right, my college education will be coming to a close this next year. I'm excited, nervous, elated, and just plain freaked out. Just because someone gives me a diploma and I pass an exam that automatically makes me capable of what I've been spending these past few years learning? Am I ready? Hell no. I don't think anyone is when they reach that point. I just hope I am able to make someone's life a little easier, a little more enjoyable, and possibly little less intimidating.

So here's to another fun-filled, fantabulous year ahead of us. I just hope we're able to fulfill everything we're suppose to do.

May I have a redo?

Some days I'd like to start life over. Is that possible? Sure, alot of things will change, and who knows where I'd end up. Would I even be here? Don't get me wrong I don't regret anything I've done in this life. There are just some things I'd like to just start over with. Maybe hope that maybe the next life won't be as harsh. What has me feeling these nostagic moments? Could it be the fact that my family is outside playing, and sadly I am inside stuck to a 50' cord to breathe? Or could it be that these steroids that are roaring through my system not only effect that body parts it is suppose to heal, but parts of my body that should be left alone(ie my sanity). It's two days til christmas and I feel like someone mentally flailed me with a year old fruit cake. It doesn't feel like christmas, but sadly these past couple years as I grow older and families move away..nothing feels like christmas. Could it be because I'm "mom" now or maybe I'm more aware of the commercialism of the holidays? I love to see the look on my son's face christmas morning, but I hate wrapping presents. I love spending time with family, but I hate cleaning the house. Why does everything have to be perfect? Why do people expect perfection in everything?

This year has been filled with quite a few ups and downs. Hospital visits, people moving away. Buying houses and big family vacations. Will there be a next christmas? What will this new year bring? Hopefully graduations, and new school year! many new milestones, learning new things.

I know this next year I need to be more of an "all around mom", the lady that likes to clean and cook, has a job, makes snacks, betty crocker with a stethoscope. Nurse betty with a spatula. I need to put more of an effort into my life in order to find out what I want from it. What do I want out of life? What do I want my message to be when I leave? Do I just want to be someone that just exsists, to just fufill my day to day things, not really thinking about the future?..I was spared on this earth for something...I just don't know what it is..

Was the whole point to find love and reproduce? To find meaning the fact that there is someone out there that can love someone like me? To prove to people that I am not just a number on a damn medical chart. I am a person, someone who has feelings, someone that is sick and tired of people telling her she can't do something. Yet, as I get older that only person that is telling me this myself. I try to do the things I could, but my body just refuses. I try to put up a fight, but I fail. As each birthday passes by I wonder how much longer I can hold out. Somedays I feel on top of the world, and other days I feel like the world is on top of me.

There are so many things I would love to accomplish on this earth before I take my leave. I need to come to terms with myself. The one thing I need to know is " Are you ok with being you?" I don't know that answer to that. Some days I am, and others I would love to just rip my skin off, and beg for a "redo" in life.

What are the first steps to change? Where do I start? How do I become ok with being me?

Here's to the beginning

I haven't written a blog in a while. I'm not entirely sure what I want out of this. So I guess just bear with me.